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ABOUT LAST NIGHT: The outrageous and breathtaking Portland-KC shootout (VIDEO)

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Jaime Valdez-USA TODAY Sports

I gotta say, before last night's downright dumbfounding climax at Providence Park, this was my favorite shootout ever:

No, that video is not real. But it's perhaps more plausible than the bang-bang denouement of Thursday's final MLS Cup knockout game.

First, 90 minutes weren't enough to break a 1-1 deadlock.

Then, Sporting's Krisztian Nemeth struck six minutes into the first extra time period. Game-set-match?

Bollocks to that. Just two minutes from the end of the full 120, Dairon Asprilla crossed in for a glorious volleyed finish by Maximiliano Urruti. 2-2.

It was an explosion of joy followed by a collective groan: "we're going to penalties???"

Well.

I don't really know what the word is for... for that.

It's Portrageous. It's Timberlicious. It's The Football.

Kick by kick, let's break down what we witnessed here, the likes of which should be etched on a gold record and launched into deep space:

  • Diego Valeri (POR): Stoned by a skyward right hand. 0-0.
  • Benny Feilhaber (SKC): Please, 'Haber, don't hurt 'em. 1-0 to Sporting.
  • Nat Borchers (POR): This one isn't in the video. SkyNet's fault. 1-1.
  • Dom Dwyer (SKC): Adam Kwarasey reminds him who the real bread-winner is in the Dwyer household. Still 1-1.
  • Liam Ridgewell (POR): WAIT HOLD ON LIAM RIDGEWELL PLAYS IN MLS? 2-1 to Portland.
  • Graham Zusi (SKC): Buckets. 2-2
  • Jack Jewsbury (POR): Look, a bird! Still 2-2
  • Matt Besler (SKC): Look, the same bird! Still 2-2
  • Maximiliano Urruti (POR): Cream train to sap town. 3-2 to Portland.
  • Paolo Nagamura (SKC): Clowned. 3-3.
  • Jorge Villafaña (POR): An effort akin to a game of patty-cake. 3-3.
  • Kevin Ellis (SKC): Self-posterized. Even Blake Griffin can't do that. 3-3.
  • Dairon Asprilla (POR): Who are the five best spot-kickers of all time? Dairon. Dairon. Dairon, Dairon, Dairon. Because he kick hot fire. 4-3 to Portland.
OK, folks, let's take a quick break.


Very well, then. More kicking!
  • Soni Mustivar (SKC): Yeah, more like Mustafar, amirite? 4-4.
  • Darlington Nagbe (POR): There go that man again. 5-4 to Portland.
  • Jacob Peterson (SKC): I think he's one of the towel boys? Nice boot, towel boy. 5-5.
  • Alvas Powell (POR): Someone thinks this is still warm-ups. The game started like twelve hours ago, playah! Still 5-5.
  • Saad Abdul-Salaam (SKC): WHAT THE F--K IS HAPPENING AHHHHHHH GGGGGGHHHHKKKKKKK... Still 5-5.
  • George Fochive (POR): Yes. Thank you. Let's just keep it boring after that last one. 6-5 to Portland.
  • Amadou Dia (SKC): I'm trying so hard to relax that I just pooped a little. 6-6.
  • Adam Kwarasey (POR): Put me in, coach!!! 7-6 Portland.
  • Jon Kempin (SKC): Wait, that's it? 7-6 is your final score.
How are they gonna top that? How about a Cascadia showdown? Yes. How about it.

See you in the semifinals, socceroos.