We just got done giving thanks at the end of November, if I recall.
(I dunno, there was a lot of Magners happening at my place that day, so the ol' memory is a bit spotty.)
But lo! Christmas is here. And guess what? We're still eating hella turkey and still giving hella thanks. Specifically, we're here on this unsettlingly warm yuletide to celebrate the ways in which a handful of our favorite Bronx Blues have blessed us in this momentous inaugural year.
What better way to do so that with some finely-crafted Christmas carols? Cue the music!
CAROL THE FIRST: David Villa
"A Christmas [Expletive Deleted] Miracle" by Run the Jewels
One half of RTJ is Brooklyn's own Jamie Maline, a.k.a. El-P. And Villa's contributions this year were nothing short of miraculous. I hear he walks around like he's got a 36-inch chain. In 2016, expect a 36-yard goal.
CAROL THE SECOND: Frank Lampard
"I'll Be Home for Christmas," by Kim Gannon & Walter Kent
As performed by Bing Crosby
Lamps is NYCFC's favorite absentee. Luckily, before the autumn leaves had all tumbled to the dirt, he was back where he always belonged: slicing around Yankee Stadium, slamming golazos in the famous Etihad shirt. Don't leave again, brother! The family isn't complete without "Festive Frank."
CAROL THE THIRD: Andres Mendoza
"Happy Holidays, You [Expletive Deleted]" by Blink-182
A truly odious, atrocious, and eminently lamentable signing in New York City's young history, the Colombian defender never played a single minute for the senior team in a competitive game. I want to be clear: nobody at HRB thinks that Mendoza is, as a human being, the living embodiment of the expletive bandied about in this purposefully sophomoric pop-punk track. But the overall sense of anger and frustration is fitting.
CAROL THE FOURTH: Khiry Shelton
"Christmas Rappin'" by Kurtis Blow
K19, the first-ever SuperDraft pick for NYCFC, carries Brother Kurtis's message whenever he pinches into the box or screams past an unsuspecting defender: the old game is played out. It's time for the new breed to take over. It won't happen overnight, and a lot of folks are gonna hate it (hey, with all the touches Khiry takes, it's often enough to drive us nuts. Chestnuts, even!). But the raw, punky-phresh stylings of the Oregon State product instill plenty of hope for what's to come.
CAROL THE FIFTH: Mix Diskerud
"Ghostface X-Mas" by Ghostface Killah
GhostDini, the WallaBee Kingpin, the Wizard of Poetry, Iron Man, Pretty Tone. We'll make no quarrel with the bulk of his career, because we're gigantic fans. And here today, we're not comparing Diskerud to Tony Starks himself. But this particular song is a proper metaphor for the Mix Master: it isn't exactly necessary. It doesn't serve some obvious, essential function. But, for some strange reason, you can't help but keep it around. Just don't ask us why. We don't know.
CAROL THE SIXTH: Patrick Vieira
"O Holy Night" by Adolphe Adam & Placide Cappeau
As performed by Eric Cartman (Trey Parker)
Monsieur Vieira, if he really has got all the right moves, has every chance to be a true blue savior for pro soccer in the Five Boroughs. The reason we chose the South Park version of this song, however, is because, like Eric Cartman, Vieira doesn't yet "know all the words" when it comes to navigating the often-maddening economic structures of MLS. If he cracks the code, expect manna to fall from the sky. If he doesn't? Well, there's no reason to dwell on that. Let him be BORN! Let him be born. Amen.