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16 New York City FC predictions for 2016

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All of these things are definitely going to happen.

Is this man the key to an MLS playoff run?
Is this man the key to an MLS playoff run?
Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images

Last year, we made fifteen NYCFC predictions for 2015, and our batting average was akin to that of Stephen Drew (but without any of the power).

*Sigh*

Luckily, this is a new year, and until the conclusion of next weekend, everyone in Major League Soccer is undefeated.

To be clear: this is not my 2016 wish list. This is a list of things that will most definitely, factually occur.

  1. NYCFC will win its opener against Chicago.

  2. Frank Lampard will score in his first start of the season.

  3. The good guys will not lose a single game to the Red Bulls.

  4. New York City’s sterling record against Canada will continue-- just like last year, they will lose only one total game versus Montreal/Toronto/Vancouver.

  5. They will qualify for the Eastern Conference playoffs in either the 4th or 5th spot.

  6. Eirik Johansen will make a start in goal in one of the first five games of the season.

  7. During the campaign, Lampard will announce that this is his final season as a footballer.

  8. Set to take the reigns at Manchester City, Pep Guardiola will speak openly of his admiration for either Kwadwo Poku or Ronald Matarrita, and trans-Atlantic rumors will begin to swirl…

  9. Once again, NYCFC will score more regular season goals than Portland.

  10. A player not named David Villa will score a hat trick.

  11. Andrea Pirlo will score on a direct free kick.

  12. Jack Harrison will impress during Mix Diskeud's and Matarrita’s summertime absences for the Copa America.

  13. A New York City midfielder will win MLS Goal of the Week.

  14. Tony Taylor will emerge as a fan favorite, and will be among the team’s top 5 scorers for the season.

  15. Andrew Jacobson will score another screamer from 30+ yards.

  16. The good guys will win their first-ever MLS playoff game.
There, it's settled. Well, now. Let's go win stuff!

Got any predictions of your own? Leave a comment and let's get hype.