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Let's face it, Frank Lampard's signature looks like a penis.

Take a knee, gang. We need to talk about this.

By Sam Dunn

A signature says a lot about a person. Whether it's the messy confidence of Winston Churchill or the unapologetic modernity of history's many Pablo Picassos and Marcus Garveys, the solemn civic consecration symbolized by our written name -- an extension of our personality -- is something like a firm handshake.

But of course, some are firmer than others.

Let's set the scene: last week, NYCFC kept in lock-step with the current worldwide soccer trend of embracing the ever-expanding consumer market in China and the overseas Chinese diaspora.

Just days after Atletico Madrid striker Jackson Martinez became the latest global star to make a high-profile switch to China's Super League, New York City FC announced a Chinese-language website and a foray into Weibo, a Chinese social media hub boasting half a billion users. And today, the far-east movement rolls on: the club will host a series of community events to celebrate the Chinese New Year, whose celebration officially began Monday.

To ring in the traditional lunar festival, NYCFC released a series of stylized images featuring its star players, each including an authentic signature. For instance, here's David Villa:

Slick. No-nonsense. Guaje style. Same for Andrea Pirlo:

Simple, yet flowing and expressive. Totally appropriate.

But we need to talk about Frank Lampard. Have a peep:

Uh.

Forgive my loopy little mind for immediately going there, but... Super Frank's John Hancock doesn't emphasize the "John Han" as much as the last syllable.

Yes. Frank Lampard's signature looks like a penis.

Let's be clear: this isn't like when some Floridian insists that Jesus's face showed up on their piece of toast, or that they found The One True Cheeto shaped like the head of John the Baptist. This isn't some wonky instance of perceptional bias informed by faith alone.

No, it's just a penis. Notably, a penis scrawled by a man whose particular girth earned him the splendid nickname "Fat Frank."

But really, none of this should come as a surprise. Think about the key attributes of Lampard's game:

  • Always scoring
  • Stamina
  • Technique
  • Shooting power
If Villa's and Pirlo's signatures fairly reflect the respective styles of those men, it's only fair that Lampard's does as well. And, hey! That's okay.

I don't want to dwell on this forever, because there's no need. It's all plainly obvious; more and more so when you continue to think about it.

But ask yourself this-- which other midfielder is equally gifted playing deep or in the hole?

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