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The Donald J. Trump Guide to Euro 2016

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I am gonna do Euro 2016 and we are going to be the best at Euro 2016.

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Wow. Whoa. Did you see this?

Listen, right now, everyone is talking about countries. European countries. All people want to talk about is these countries that are in all these different places. Have you seen this thing? They did this thing, it's ridiculous, it's called Euro 2016. It starts today over in... you're not gonna believe this. Over in France. In France!

They don't know, these people, they don't have a clue.

You wanna know the truth? The truth is that nobody does countries better than me. I'm an expert on countries, you can ask anyone. I make tremendous deals with countries every day, which is why nobody is going to do Euro 2016 better than I will. We have been losing at Euro 2016 for too long. They are killing us. But I beat Europe all the time; I know how to beat them. I am a winner who wins at things and together we are going to do Euro 2016 and we're going to win Euro 2016 like you wouldn't believe.

GROUP A: Doesn't help us beat ISIS

France is hosting the opening game at 3:00pm ET today against Romania on ESPN2. Albania is playing Switzerland tomorrow at 9:00am ET on ESPN. But how does any of this help us beat ISIS?

You talk about France, you hear people saying all kinds of things about Romania. There really is -- I know you've seen this -- there has really been so, so much talking about France and also sometimes about Romania. I'm telling you that it's all nonsense because people talk about Paul Pogba being such a great number eight. It's nonsense-- who wants to be number eight? We need to be number ONE, but they're killing us.

Costel Pantilimon, he thinks we can't see through his lies. He's a liar, this guy. He's only about lies and losing, but I'm about winning. Costel Pantilimon thinks he can secure the goal. We have no goal security anymore, which is why we have to build a wall. This Costel Patilimon thing isn't working and the Romanians are laughing at us and we're losing to ISIS.

GROUP B: Full of losers and weak on Syria

On Saturday morning at noon ET, Wales plays Slovakia on ESPN. England vs. Russia is happening at 3:00pm ET on ESPN. I have to tell you, it's like we never even fought a war. Slovakia and Wales. Can you believe that? It's true.

Group B is about losing at things, at all these different things, they're losing. The media, I think, isn't doing its job when they talk about Wales and Slovakia. They don't tell the truth, that these people are bringing drugs and they're bringing crime and they're bringing Martin Skrtel. They're not sending good people to Euro 2016. They're very low-energy people, and also Marek Hamšík took a pass at my wife at the MET Gala and I challenged him to arm-wrestling and I beat him at arm-wrestling.

But really, I have only good things to say about Adam Nemec.

I must say about Russia, however, I must say that Putin is a man that I respect. He just made a decree and now I'm Artem Dzyuba's godfather. I think Putin has it right on a lot of these things with Euro 2016. He's a winner like me. You can be, too. Just follow me and shut up and just follow along. And then we'll go and do Syria and Putin will be there and we'll do Syria so much that you won't even believe it.

GROUP C: A failure unless Putin intervenes

We've got Poland vs. Northern Ireland on Sunday at noon ET on ESPN. Germany plays Ukraine on Sunday at 3:00pm ET on ESPN. We have to do something about this Ukraine thing and everything that's happening there at different times, and we have to do it right now.

Putin, he's a smart guy and a strong guy out there, Putin is doing Ukraine better than anyone I've seen. Euro 2016 will never be great again if Putin can't do Ukraine like he wants to do Ukraine, and also we have to do Ukraine.

Andriy Yarmolenko was supposed to be a paid ambassador for Trump Steaks in Eastern Europe, but then he tweeted about how eating one was like slowly punching your intestines in the face. He's a nasty guy, a very slimy guy.

I want to say about Poland, though-- they have this guy, Lewandowski. I am an expert on Lewandowski and I am a big personal fan of Lewandowski. My campaign manager is tremendous, his name is Corey Lewandowski. He knows how to win and we're winning with him in all the polls. Poland, I think, is going to win this whole thing if they get by Russia. Nobody understands Lewandowski more than I do, so I think he'll do really excellent kicking for them.

GROUP D: Davor Šuker passed out on my yacht once

Turkey vs. Croatia at 9:00am ET Sunday on ESPN. Spain vs. Czech Republic at 9:00 ET Monday on ESPN. I have tremendous relations with Spain. They have the King, Juan Carlos, he's a good guy, because whenever he goes to a place, he does it legally. He's a very legal kind of guy and person.

I'm investing in Croatia. They're beautiful people over there in Croatia, and I know they do all the soccer and the kicking and everything like that, they do it very well. I loved Davor Šuker. I love him! We took my yacht down to Belize in 1999, Davor came with us. We brought all the girls from the Jay-Z music video with the pimping and the butts. Gorgeous ladies, I'm telling you, you wouldn't believe it, they were so beautiful with the butts and all the things that they have. Davor Šuker shotgunned two pitchers of Mai Tais and passed out, boom, right there on the deck. I'll never forget his heart and commitment, so it's got to be Croatia. It's going to be Croatia.

GROUP E: Belgium didn't invent french fries-- they took them from you

The Republic of Ireland faces Sweden at noon ET on Monday on ESPN, followed by Belgium vs. Italy at 3:00pm ET on ESPN. You have all these republics, they all come up to my office and they ask, "can we have your support?" "What do we do?" "How do we do it?" I love the republics. I'm meeting with three of them next week. Ireland is a tremendous republic and Shane Long lived in my pool house for the first half of 2002 and I taught him hurling. Not a lot of people know that.

I heard someone tell me the other day that Belgium is coming to do Euro 2016 really well, amazingly well. They want to talk about Hazard, they want to talk about Origi. But Belgium is laughing at us. They're laughing! I think they've been very dishonest. They're revising history and saying that the Belgians invented french fries. That's ridiculous-- they took french fries from us. We have to take them back, and I am going to win back all of these different french fries on behalf of the people.

We're gonna have the chipotle mayo and we're doing the madras curry ketchup as well, and we're going to dip the french fries in all of these things, and we are going to make the Belgians pay for it.

GROUP F: A temporary ban on the Icelandic

Austria plays Hungary at noon ET on Tuesday on ESPN. Portugal vs. Iceland kicks off at 3:00pm ET later that day on ESPN. You've got Portugal here, and you've got Iceland. I mean, come on. The Euro currency is very weak, and they're taking all the jobs. Euro 2016 used to have more jobs, but now you have the EU doing all of these things, and Portugal and Iceland want all the jobs now. It's a bad, bad deal.

We need to prevent these people from entering Euro 2016 until we figure this out.

We need a nation that's going to take the Euro 2016 brand and make it great again-- right now, it's not great again. I think, really, Austria is going to make Euro 2016 great again and take it back from China, from Mexico, from Japan, from all of these places. I am excited about Christian Fuchs, who is a winner. He's the captain for them, and he lives in New York City. We need a wealthy guy from New York City if we want to help the common people get back to work, and also have jobs.

Just shut up and trust me and trust Christian Fuchs and we will go and do Euro 2016.

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EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a work of satire. The opinions expressed in this column are probably not the actual views of the author, as far as we know.