So, you want to know what it takes to be a New York hooligan?
Because of the allure, the pure glamour of it, this is understandable, especially after the Hudson River Derby throwdowns outside Yankee Stadium on May 21st, in which New York Red Bulls and New York City FC supporters threw bottles, punches, and slurs amidst a sea of NYPD officers.
What a special day.
Red Bulls fans arrived and then it got nasty. Feels like England in the 80s... pic.twitter.com/VJIKyDYlC3— Garry Hayes (@garryhayes) May 21, 2016
But if you’re gonna be a real New York hooligan — and enjoy the social prestige that goes along with it — you’ve got to do it right. In this corner of the world, there ain’t no half-steppin’! Hell, no. There are rules to this thing. Unfortunately, many have tried and failed to achieve such a highly-envied status.
That’s why I’m here to help.
What You'll Need
(1) A wardrobe featuring as many airbrushed skulls as possible
- Nothing puts your opponents on notice quite like a really dope skull! At a minimum, make sure there’s one on the black bandanna you really must, must drape across your excellent face.
(2) A rival supporter group’s flag that you can wear as a cape
- All of history’s greatest warriors had capes: D’Artagnan. Batman. Liberace. Stake your claim among the elite.
- The U.S. Government believes that the most epic battles of the 21st Century will be cyber-wars, after all. But don’t spell-check your insults when flaming opposing fans; there’s no time!
(4) The sheer guile to edit your Facebook profile and spell your last name backwards
(5) A subscription to the WWE Network
- For inspiration germane to your particular demographic.
(6) Ability to reference the films Green Street and The Football Factory loudly in conversation
- NOTE: Actually watching them is not required.
(7) OPTIONAL: A misogynistic worldview
- Somebody needs to stand up and fight for men’s rights, innit?
(8) A bodega sandwich board to throw
- Not just a projectile; also prevents your enemies from knowing whether or not the barbacoa enchiladas are available that day, a form of psychological warfare.
(9) The subhuman inability to feel shame
(10) A prepared far-right or far-left political spiel; bonus points for incorporating the phrase "means of production"
- For instance, it’s your duty to be able to explain why fascism can "benefit" "everyone" if it’s "done right."
(11) OPTIONAL: Acne
(12) Ability to taunt your opponents with sentences beginning with, "I swear to god, if we were in Italy/Colombia/Serbia/Argentina, I’d…"
(13) Alternatively, a fake British accent
- Your "Who are ya?" game has to be strong.
(14) Anger exacerbated by involuntary celibacy
(15) A plastic fan
- We all need to stay cool in the
muggingmuggy New York summer, and the handheld plastic kind are only five bucks at Wal Mart.
Follow these tenets and watch your hooligan dreams phase into glorious reality.
Stay classy, New York.