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The New York Times omitted NYCFC from its MLS standings. Here are several possible reasons why.

The Grey Lady often chooses to forget that New York City FC exists, but they’re fully aware of Minnesota United.

Photo by Ramin Talaie/Getty Images

Did someone in the New York City FC front office (or Mikey Lopez) steal The New York Times’ girlfriend? Or boyfriend? Or whatever? Because we’re searching — dumbfounded — for an explanation as to why the Paper of Record totally low-key hates NYCFC.

Seriously, the world’s (ostensibly) most reputable newspaper is trying to wish New York’s newest team right out of existence. They’ll fail, of course. But the fact remains that three World Cup winners, the reigning league MVP, and a sterling attendance record aren’t enough to wake the Times from a bizarro fever dream in which New York City FC is fake news, like #Pizzagate or “West Bromwich Albion.”

For FFUUCCKK’S SAKE, people.

Listen, Atlanta United and Minnesota United haven’t even been added to FIFA 17 yet, but they still made NYT’s standings this week. And it must be noted that teams like the Vancouver Whitecaps, regardless of quality, can be easy enough to forget about here on the east coast. Yet even they made this stupid little table that gets black rubbish on your fingers when you touch it.

But who was egregiously left off the standings in multiple times of asking? The one single team that lives in the same damn city as The New York Times.

This is absurd. This is indefensible in the silliest, stupidest, most outrageous kind of way. Fire whoever was responsible for this, and replace them with Rafael Noboa y Rivera— if you can even afford him.

This ain’t exactly the first time we’ve gone after NYT’s soccer coverage. Last summer, we took them to task in a manner that one might describe as “hardbody karate” for their magazine’s mistakes and their paper’s apathy. It was Hudson River Blue’s most-read article of 2016. Of course, we don’t aim to be unfair or eye-rollingly sanctimonious. But in this most recent case, it’s hard to overstate the glaring whatthefuckness.

Folks, as major proselytizers for NYCFC fandom, we’re here to get to the bottom of this once and for all. How did such a gross oversight see the light of day? After the first blunder, how was it allowed to happen again? We’re clueless, but here are several possible explanations:

  • Obviously Pirlo’s fault
  • Russia
  • Editor “had a thing”
  • Jesse Marsch Shadow Government
  • City Football Group has exclusivity agreement with The Village Voice
  • Chemtrails
  • Ink sent on loan to The Boston Globe
  • Mix’s revenge?
  • Too busy winning Pulitzers for journalistic excellence
  • The Yellow King
  • Passive-aggressive pro-McNamara protest
  • Big Little Lies was on
  • NYCFC doesn’t actually exist and Bruce Willis was dead the whole time
  • Millennials
  • Listed in MLB standings instead

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EDITOR’S NOTE: We’re pleased to report that one NYT sports personality, the very-good-at-writing Andrew Das, is on the case: