Deep down, you knew it. You always knew it. Whether you’re a smirking supporter of an authentically grassroots team like the Red Bulls or the most fervent, drum-bangin’-est celeste fan in all of Yankee Stadium, you couldn’t manage to avoid the truth:
New York City FC is a plastic team. And this Sunday in the Bronx, we’ll all see the proof.
It’s crazy that this organization isn’t even trying to fake it anymore. Ostensibly in honor of “Earth Day,” which is clearly a not-real and made-up thing, NYCFC and Adidas have joined up with Parley for the Oceans to dress the Boys in Blue in specially-made kits manufactured from plastics fished right out of America’s oceans.
Our sources are telling us that these jerseys have been bought as opposed to built.
Seriously, what’s next? Is an authentically grassroots team like the Red Bulls going to wear recycled aluminum shirts? I mean, who would take them seriously if their official uniforms looked just like soft drink cans, with the same logo and everything? They understand what City Football Group doesn’t: CLASS beats CRASS. Full-stop.
“We are very proud to be working with a new partner in MLS and its participating teams to enforce the usage, messaging and awareness around the beauty and fragility of the Oceans,” said Adidas VP Michael Batz. “Our core brand belief is that through sport, we have the power to change lives and feel that MLS is an ideal partner to transport and establish this belief in soccer.”
Oceans? The environment? I’m calling #FakeNews on this. Mr. Batz’s innocent belief in preserving nature (far-left and anti-business as it may be) has been co-opted by the faceless City Football Group behemoth so it can spread its plastic seed even further. STAY WOKE and do not believe everything that you read on the internet.
"Every second breath we take is generated by the oceans,” said Cyrill Gutsch, founder of Parley for the Oceans. “And still, we are at war with the sea. We are killing it off in rapid speed. Now is the time to negotiate peace with our life support and to invent our way out of this mess.”
This is absurd. WHEN WE ARE AT WAR, WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE. YOU DO NOT CHANGE HORSES MID-OCEAN. There is no more hostile power than the open sea; this “Earth Day” initiative stands to make us weaker and more vulnerable to other belligerent foreign powers, like the sun.
Or trees. The trees are laughing at us.
Even worse, NYCFC has partnered with Wix, a company that I have never heard of and have never used to build a website to house my portfolio, to launch an “Earth Day”-themed competition for artists and photographers (read: communists). They even have a hashtag for it: #NYCFSea. Get it? Because the sea is like the ocean kind of, and also C is a letter that can stand for other words when used within abbreviations? Great work, folks— all you’re doing is giving away suite tickets and merch to current and future plastic fans. More plastic!
If they really cared about the environment, Wix would round up all these fraudulent supporters and take their tickets away.
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EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a work of satire. It contains declarations that don’t represent the views of Hudson River Blue, as far as we know. To learn more about Major League Soccer’s Earth Day initiative, click here.