SOCCER SPECIFIC SCAVENGER HUNT Week 4 Results: Laying Down the Law

Kendall Jenner gives a Pepsi to a cop AND EVERYONE LOSES THEIR MINDS. We thought so, anyway. The internet, of course, was not exactly broken as a result. Cat GIFS were still available. Fonzie memes were still available (“Hey, Richie, I’m the Director of the CIAyyyyyyyyyyy!”). America was quite really possibly going to survive.

Then, of course, the SOCCER SPECIFIC SCAVENGER HUNT returned after a three-week power-blackout to completely and utterly save America, full-stop, strike-up-the-band.

Let’s quickly recap this week’s five photo challenges:

• Playing rock-paper-scissors with an Orlando City fan.
• Recreate David Villa’s celebration from his 50-yard golazo vs. Philly. Do it somewhere funny: a bathroom, stadium security checkpoint, etc.
• Doing a Stone Cold Stunner on River Avenue.
• A parody of the Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial. Be creative. If you give a can of Red Bull to a Securitas member, you might win instantly.
• A dance-off.

OK, yeah, that Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad was awash in odious optics and the kind of industrialized, factory-farmed crassness that this young lady is somehow able to embody robustly despite such a slight build. As an advert, it was baaaad. And then Joe Cundiff came along.

Joe read our instructions. He saw the most obvious path to victory in this week’s #SSSH. And he is, indeed, the victor, for curating this Nobel Peace Prize-level GIF:

SCENES! How do we even unpack this? First of all, we all know that cops are Blue. We’re told this in so many ways. And today, we have the ultimate, showstopping proof.

Officer: may the Scavenger Hunt Gods bless and keep you, amen. You are one of us, and we are one of you.

This counts as our first !!!INSTANT WIN!!! in the brief history of the SOCCER SPECIFIC SCAVENGER HUNT.

***Angelic trumpeting is heard***

But that’s not to say that Joe’s other four photo submissions don’t matter. They absolutely do. Let’s begin with some good ol’ rock-paper-scissors diplomacy:

Now, let’s see some next-level David Villa shrugging:

How about some Austin 3:16?

My bum hurts just watching this, and that’s the bottom line.

Finally, we need some hot-fire dance moves:

Excelsior.

As always, we promise our winner a big-ass shot-out full of sincere praise, as well as the opportunity for them to plug the cause or organization of their choice. Since Joe represents the Third Rail Supporters Club — and TR has won nearly every SOCCER SPECIFIC SCAVENGER HUNT to date — we’re making an executive decision to pre-empt the ongoing love-fest for just a moment so as to stave off any potential accusations of bias.

Instead, the cause we’re promoting is the effort to save and revitalize the largest, fastest passenger liner ever built. We’re talking about a 990-foot ship, people. Check it out. It’s American af.

Thanks to all who participated in this week’s SOCCER SPECIFIC SCAVENGER HUNT. We’ll be back ahead of NYCFC’s May 7th showdown with Atlanta United!