Jack Harrison named MLS Player of the Week

You saw it. When our own Calvin Daniel wrote his column this week, he saw it. And today, Major League Soccer’s powers-that-be made it official: Jack Harrison, on the strength of his first-career brace and an all-around tenacious performance, is your Alcatel MLS Player of the Week.

It didn’t take long for Jumpin’ Jack Flash to make his mark on Saturday’s proceedings in Columbus: his 8th-minute chipshot outfoxed Crew keeper Zach Steffen and set the tone for what was to come, earning the player a nomination for MLS Goal of the Week. Of course, his final say would put a bow on things for NYCFC, slotting home coolly off a touch from Yangel Herrera.

No David Villa? No Andrea Pirlo? Fine, gimme Ben Sweat, a Venezuelan teenager, and a damn ham sammich.

Back in June 2016, Harrison was nominated for MLS Playor of the Month, but today marks the first time a New York City FC player has earned league Player of the Week honors. The real question, however, is this: what will this superbly woke bloke do next?

Here are several tentative maybes:

• Refuse a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize out of sheer humility
• Produce Lost fan fiction that makes the show’s ending actually satisfying
• Star in the Broadway revival of Richard III
• I dunno, score more goals?
• Engineer a solution for the upcoming L Train shutdown
• Call a future would-be man marker a “Major League Sucka”
• Win Ice Cube’s 3-on-3 basketball league by himself; repeatedly post up Bonzi Wells

To more, Jack. To more.