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NYCFC vs. New York Red Bulls: 20 Shameless Predictions for the US Open Cup

Literally all of these things are going to occur.

Will the Marsch tears flow early and often?
Adam Hunger-USA TODAY Sports
  1. Andrea Pirlo will be listed as questionable on the injury report and will not play
  2. Jonathan Lewis will score the opening goal
  3. Kemar Lawrence red card
  4. Aurelien Collin retirement
  5. A rare Shannon Gomez sighting. Quick, take a picture!
  6. Jesse Marsch will weep to Elliott Smith’s Either/Or before the game
  7. !!!JAMES SANDS!!! will make the team sheet
  8. “I just miss Elliott so much, and also the refs will be unfair probably” Marsch will say to the Newark Star-Ledger
  9. Of David Villa, Maxi Moralez, Jack Harrison, and Alex Ring, three will play and two will start.
  10. While streaming the game on from his dank sub-basement in Mendocino, Tom Waits will compose a parody song entitled “Get Behind the Muyl”
  11. The Red Bulls will not score in the second half
  12. Tyler Adams will defect
  13. The Empire State Building will wear a giant Ugo Okoli wig
  14. Luis Robles will miss the game looking for his misplaced vape pen
  15. Frederic Brillant will score on a header; 50-50 chance it’s an own goal
  16. Patrick Vieira will pump up NYCFC with pre-match screening of Paid in Full
  17. Red Bulls will watch Corky Romano (director’s cut)
  18. Ronald Matarrita will receive Man of the Match honors
  19. New York City will win in extra time off the boot of Tommy McNamara
  20. Vieira will pass Marsch in the pregame tunnel and whisper, “I must break you”