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One of Frank Lampard’s London homes is a cocaine-fueled sex dungeon

This is what happens when you rent to a dominatrix

Photo by Ian Walton/Getty Images

Take a knee, gang.

Retired New York City FC legend Frank Lampard owns more than one house. This is not breaking news, but simply how it works when you’re REAL-real paid. Indeed, Phat Phranq has posh pads from Spain to Surrey, and probably also a self-driving, self-aware banana boat that LeBron James never should have sold in the first place.

Most of the year, Lamps and wife Christine live in a $13 million London mansion. On the side, they are known to rent out some of their other properties. One of those properties — just two miles away from the Lampards’ full-time London abode — is rented by 37 year old Davina Ward.

Against all odds, Ms. Ward’s career is much more exciting than Super Frank’s.

According to crackerjack reporting by The Sun, Ms. Ward is:

  1. A “fitness coach”
  2. Dominatrix
  3. Award-winning bodybuilder
  4. Pornographic actor/director/producer
  5. Drug dealer
  6. Sex dungeon entrepreneur

Indeed, the sex dungeon in question is inside the very property she rents from Frank James Lampard, OBE, a $2.5 million house in Fulham.

(We can’t confirm whether this Fulham pad has a special name, but we’re going with “Craven Frottage.”)

Ward, who told a Sun reporter that she began renting the house last year for a mere $4,000 per month, is a fearless entrepreneur. For just 400 GBP per hour, she’ll beat the everloving crap out of you in the stately Lampardian fuck-palace (reporting does not make it clear as to whether the sex dungeon is part of the house or the entire thing). For an extra 100 GBP, clients can produce pornographic films on-premises featuring Ward— so long as her face is covered and the whole thing gets shot on her phone.

Also, she’ll sell you drugs.

As one does.


Artist’s rendition of what the floorplan might look like, maybe*

*Just guessing.


Davina Ward advertises her services under the name “Diverse Stacey,” which probably deserves its own column to fully unpack. (I will do this one day because NOBODY ELSE HAS THE COURAGE.)

She claims to be “London’s hottest, filthiest and goddamn wildest woman” — eat your heart out, Patsy Stone! — though her love of ol’ run-of-the-mill sexual violence may actually be surpassed by her propensity toward a very specific type of kinky role-playing that The Sun characterized as “farmyard-themed.”

Due to various zoning and land use regulations, as well as the sheer impracticality, it’s unlikely that Diverse Stacey has been hustling goats and hens and cocks in and out of the Fulham flat. Think about it: paying to feed all those little buggers would cut into her bottom line like mad, and that doesn’t even consider all the pooping. Nay, it would appear that our Boss of the Barnyard instead orders clients to do all manner of hen or cock or goat things themselves, like saying the name of their favorite Senegalese striker (Baaaaaaaa!) and attempting to eat the laces off her shoes. If they’re lucky, perhaps they are permitted to take poops just kinda anywhere.

(But that’s probably only included in the premium package, which you cannot afford.)

All this sounds like a physically exhausting business, especially for a sole proprietor. And it is— that’s where the drugs come in. As relayed by the Daily Mail:

An undercover Sun reporter who booked the 5ft 5in dominatrix via an escort agency was allegedly asked if he wanted drugs when he visited.

Ms Ward reportedly said: 'I have a little bit [of cocaine].

'If I sell it technically I'm drug dealing. So obviously you can give me a tip.'

For fuck’s sake, what does reporter have to do to get an assignment like that ‘round here? The gag-ball’s in your court, SB Nation.


Things every sex dungeon needs

  • Wrist-mounted hot wax dispenser
  • Bloodsop
  • “The Macedonian Tickler”
  • Auxiliary bloodsop
  • App-controlled shock collars
  • Honestly, fewer towels than you’d think
  • Gallows
  • Like, EVERY Lars von Trier Blu-ray
  • A big ol’ bucket of leeches
  • Paz de la Huerta

“Frank obviously knew nothing about this. He will be looking into the matter immediately,” an alleged Lampard friend told reporters. Of course, Ward had to know that her fucktacular fuckings-on couldn’t last forever; using the home for business purposes is reportedly a violation of her lease.

“It’s there in black and white. Frank is perfectly within his rights,” the friend added.

The Sun reports that Frank and Christine Lampard have asked Ward to vacate the home. While it’s a bit horrifying to imagine a physically powerful, keenly entrepreneurial nymphomaniac unleashed on the streets of a major city, we can’t imagine that “Diverse Stacey” will be dungeonless for long. It’s simply a matter of supply and demand.

After all, as New York City FC proved with its signing of Frank Lampard...

Well...

Insert your DP joke here.